Day 22 - Sticks and stones

Whoever said that sticks and stones may break your bones obviously had never had ADR surgery. Because for us it's clearly shoes and socks that are the troublemaker.

I literally laugh in the face of sticks and stones ha ha ha...but I run scared of shoes and socks (well ok, technically I walk slowly in the opposite direction).

There are two crucial milestones in the recovery from ADR surgery, 6 weeks and 12 weeks.

12 weeks is the daddy, because that's the point at which the bone has completely grafted to the artificial disc and in theory you should be able to use the disc as if it was one of your own. So roll on February 28th.

6 weeks though is important too because that's the point at which your rehab can step up a gear. I cannot wait for that point because I am being driven to distraction by being able to do, well sod all really.

So here we are at 3 weeks, which is halfway to 6 weeks, which is halfway to 12 weeks...or put another way I am a quarter of the way there. Bugger.

Before the operation I read about how frustrating the weeks immediately after the surgery could be and they weren't wrong.

One of the most annoying things is I can't put my own shoes on, unless they are slip on ones. I had to get my long suffering wife to tie my shoelaces this morning. I feel like I'm 4 years old again. As she was tying them I had a flashback to 1968, it wasn't exactly pleasant.

Even getting my socks on is like a military manoeuvre. I first get the socks. Check. Sports socks ideally as they are nice and slippy on the foot and not too tight (the beauty of one size fits all). Check. Roll the top of the sock down the length until it forms a kind of ring doughnut shape. Check. Drop socks to the floor. Check.

Ok now I have to get down on the floor. Check. Start by going down into a kneeling position...kind of like taking communion but without the bonus of free alcohol. Check. Then drop one hand to the side and slowly lower yourself to the floor. Check.  Then roll over onto your back. Check. At this point I feel like my dog, waiting to have his tummy tickled. What a life.

Now gingerly lift each leg and slip the sock over the foot being really careful not to stretch too far.  Check. Then grasp the top of the sock and slide slowly up leg. And then repeat on other leg. Check, check. About 10 minutes later I'm done. The satisfaction is limited and I'm knackered.

There must be a better way than this. What I need is some clever device to assist me...

Ah yes! Now that looks suitably ridiculous. It looks like something you used to have outside your front door for the milkman to put your milk bottles in. Perhaps the decreasing use of the 'chirpy milkman' has led to a surplus of bottle holders. I know!! Let's resell them as "Sock Assisters for ADR Sufferers". Alan Sugar would be proud.

Oh now hang on, what about this one?

Good lord that is sleek, stylish...it is positively glamourous! I want one....now! Gimmee, gimmee, gimmee. No you idiot I'm being ironic. It looks like its been knocked up out of a bent coat hanger and that's being kind.

Well then how about this?

Yes indeedy, its an ingenious two-handed number. You literally spoon yourself into your sock. How chic!! Could you ever imagine that there could be so many wonderful varieties of sock assister?!

Or of course there is always the perennial favourite...the can is a bit of a giveaway though! Something tells me he is rather enjoying the experience a bit too much. Whereas she is looking rather bemused and thinking..."is this really what I signed up for?!"

One option of course would be to go without socks altogether.

My daughters are very keen on One Pieces. Basically a grown up baby grow if you're not familiar with this  latest 'fashion'.

I'm not sure I would wear a traditional one piece, strangely I've always been rather sensitive about being laughed at. But on the other hand I've always been rather fond of fancy dress.

I think I have the answer...the "sick-as-a-dog" outfit would solve my shoes and socks dilemma and my obviously sick demeanour would still command sufficient sympathy from passers by. Sorted.

And if I play my cards right I may even get my tummy tickled. Woof!